Friday, February 9, 2007

Intelligent women

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both oftheir cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left,but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and befriends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely! "This mustbe a sign from God!"The woman continued, "and look at this, here's another miracle. My car iscompletely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wantsus to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.

"Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement,opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands itback to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN '"SOMEONE U LOVE'" AND '"SOMEONE U LIKE'"

In front of the person u love,ur heart beats faster.But in front of the person u like,u get happy.

In front of a person u love,winter seems like a spring.But in front of a person u like,winter is just a beautiful winter.

If u look into the eyes of the one u love,u blush.But if u look into the eyes of the one u like,u smile.

In front of a person u love,u can't say anything on ur mind. But in front of a person u like,u can.

In front of the one u love,u tend to get shy.But in front of the one u like,u can show ur own self.

U can't look straight into the eyes of the one u love. But u can always smile into the eyes of the one u like.

When the one u love is crying,u cry with him.But when the one u like is crying,u end up comforting him.

The feeling of love starts from the eye. But the feeling of liking starts from the ear.

So if u stop liking a person u used to like,all uneed to do is close ur ears.But if u try to close ur eyes,love turns into a drop of tear & remains in ur heart forever.......

Some Jokes

1) Teacher tells a student a=b, b=c implies a=c. Tell me an example.Student : I love u - u love your daughter - so I love your daughter.

2) Its funny when people discuss over "love marriage" and "arrangedmarriage"It is like asking a person if he would like to "hang himself" or "shoothimself".

3) What is a girl friend?Addition of problems, subtraction of money, multiplication of enemies &division of friends.

4) A married man was asked to perform his SWOT (Strength, Weakness,Opportunity, Threat) Analysis.
He said, my strength is my wife.My weakness is my neighbours wife.Opportunity comes when neighbour goes out.Threat comes when I myself go out

5)Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's largestwaterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20supersonic planes passing by can't be heard.Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the NiagaraFalls?"

Management Lesson

Lesson No.1

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: " Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson No.2

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson No.3

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."
The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."
The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up.
All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss.

Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.

Lesson No.4

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.
While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Lesson:

1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

Girl Friend 7.0 to Wife 1.0

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began with unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities such as: Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 and Golf 7.5

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

Please HELP!!

Thanks,
A Troubled User

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very, very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this.

Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings - Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I also suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance! It comes with several support programs, such as: Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 . However, be very careful how you use these programs; improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5.

Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend: Flowers 2.1, Hugs 4.3 and especially Diamonds 5.0

WARNING!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

Life

This is the best I have ever received ::


When things in your life seem almost too much to
handle, when 24 Hours in a day are not enough,
remember the sugar jar . . . and the coffee.
A professor stood before his Philosophy class and had
some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very
large and empty sugar jar and proceeded to fill
it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and
poured them into the jar.
He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the
open areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured
it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full.
The students responded with an unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from
under the table and poured the entire contents into
the jar, effectively filling the empty space between
the sand.
The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided,
"I want you to recognize that this jar represents your
life.
"The golf balls are the important things - your God,
family, your children, your health, your friends, and
your favorite passions - things that if everything
else was lost and only they remained, your life would
still be full.
"The pebbles are the other things that matter like
your job, your house, and your car.
"The sand is everything else--the small stuff.
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he
continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the
golf balls.
"The same goes for life.
"If you spend all your time and energy on the small
stuff, you will never have room for the things that
are important to you.
"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your
happiness.
Play with your children.
"Take time to get medical checkups.
"Take your partner out to dinner.
"There will always be time to clean the house and fix
the disposal.
"Take care of the golf balls first, the things that
really matter.
"Set your priorities.
"The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what
the coffee represented.
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked.
"It just goes to show you that no matter how full your
life may seem, there’s always room for a cup of coffee
with a friend."

Dogs Life !!!! :)

A butcher watching over his shop is really surprised when he sees a dog
coming inside the shop.. He shoos
him away. But later, the dog is back again. So, he goes over to the dog and
notices it has a note in its mouth.

He takes the note and it reads "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb,
please? The dog has money in its mouth, as well."
The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten dollar note
there. So he takes the money and
puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth.. The
butcher is so impressed, and since it's about closing time, he decides to
shut the shop and follow the dog.

So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street, when it comes to a
level crossing; the dog puts down
the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then it waits patiently, bag in
mouth, for the lights to turn.
They do, and it walks across the road, with the butcher following him all
the way.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The
butcher is in awe as the dog
stops a bus by pulling its left leg up and gets in it. The butcher follows
the dog into the bus. The dog then shows a ticket which is tied to its belt
to the bus conductor.

The butcher is nearly fainting at this sight, so are
the other passengers in the bus. The dog then sits near the driver's seat
looking outside. As soon as the stop is in sight, the dog stands and wags
its tail to inform the conductor. Then, without waiting for the bus to stop
completely, it jumps out of the bus and runs to a house very close to the
stop.
It opens the big Iron Gate and rushes inside towards the door. As it
approaches the wooden door, the dog
suddenly changes its mind and heads towards the garden. It goes to the
window, and beats its head
against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door. The
butcher watches as a big guy
opens the door, and starts abusing the dog, kicking him and punching him,
and swearing at him.

The butcher surprised with this, runs up, and stops
the guy.
"What in heaven's name are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on
TV, for the life of me! "To
which the guy responds: "You call this clever? This is the second time this
week that this stupid dog's
forgotten his key."

Moral of the story.....

You may continue to exceed onlookers expectations but
shall always fall short of the boss' expectations.

It's a dog's life after all.....

Slow down culture - A good Read

It's been 18 years since I joined Volvo, a Swedish company. Working for them has proven to be an interesting experience. Any project here takes 2 years to be finalized, even if the idea is simple and brilliant. It's a rule.

Globalize processes have caused in us (all over the world) a general sense of searching for immediate results. Therefore, we have come to posses a need to see immediate results. This contrasts greatly with the slow movements of the Swedish. They, on the other hand, debate, debate, debate, hold x quantity of meetings and work with a slowdown scheme. At the end, this always yields better results.

Said in another words:
1. Sweden is about the size of San Pablo, a state in Brazil.
2. Sweden has 2 million inhabitants.
3. Stockholm, has 500,000 people.
4. Volvo, Escania, Ericsson, Electrolux, Nokia are some of its renowned companies. Volvo supplies the NASA.

The first time I was in Sweden, one of my colleagues picked me up at the hotel every morning. It was September, bit cold and snowy. We would arrive early at the company and he would park far away from the entrance (2000 employees drive their car to work). The first day, I didn't say anything, either the second or third. One morning I asked, "Do you have a fixed parking space? I've noticed we park far from the entrance even when there are no other cars in the lot." To which he replied, "Since we're here early we'll have time to walk, and whoever gets in late will be late and need a place closer to the door. Don't you think? Imagine my face.

Nowadays, there's a movement in Europe name Slow Food. This movement establishes that people should eat and drink slowly, with enough time to taste their food, spend time with the family, friends, without rushing. Slow Food is against its counterpart: the spirit of Fast Food and what it stands for as a lifestyle. Slow Food is the basis for a bigger movement called Slow Europe, as mentioned by Business Week.

Basically, the movement questions the sense of "hurry" and "craziness" generated by globalization, fueled by the desire of "having in quantity" (life status) versus "having with quality", "life quality" or the "quality of being". French people, even though they work 35 hours per week, are more productive than Americans or British. Germans have established 28.8 hour workweeks and have seen their productivity been driven up by 20%. This slow attitude has brought forth the US's attention, pupils of the fast and the "do it now!".
This no-rush attitude doesn't represent doing less or having a lower productivity. It means working and doing things with greater quality, productivity, perfection, with attention to detail and less stress. It means reestablishing family values, friends, free and leisure time. Taking the "now", present and concrete, versus the "global", undefined and anonymous. It means taking humans' essential values, the simplicity of living.

It stands for a less coercive work environment, more happy, lighter and more productive where humans enjoy doing what they know best how to do. It's time to stop and think on how companies need to develop serious quality with no-rush that will increase productivity and the quality of products and services, without losing the essence of spirit.
In the movie, Scent of a Woman, there's a scene where Al Pacino asks a girl to dance and she replies, "I can't, my boyfriend will be here any minute now". To which Al responds, "A life is lived in an instant". Then they dance to a tango.

Many of us live our lives running behind time, but we only reach it when we die of a heart attack or in a car accident rushing to be on time. Others are so anxious of living the future that they forget to live the present, which is the only time that truly exists. We all have equal time throughout the world. No one has more or less. The difference lies in how each one of us does with our time. We need to live each moment. As John Lennon said, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans".

Congratulations for reading till the end of this message. There are many who will have stopped in the middle so as not to waste time in this globalize world.

Tuesday, February 6, 2007

One Wish

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, But it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that honor and glorify me"
The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally , he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries ,what she means when she say's nothing's wrong, and how I can make this women truly happy."

The lord replied ," you want two lanes or four on that bridge"?

:)